Trust and Emotions in Parenting

 

Most people are good parents, or at least we aspire to be good, which means that we want to show love and respect to our children as we nurture them. Unfortunately, life gets in the way. It gets crazy and there are times where everyone is upset and unhappy all at once. It’s important to learn how to be emotionally self-reliant and be emotionally stable so we can teach our children to do the same.

Emotion coaching is something that can be used in marriage, as shown in a blog post at the Gottman Institute (https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-isnt-just-for-children/). As a couple talks together, they can say what they each need from the other. Couples can help each other learn to deal with their emotions. It’s also important for parents to do this for their children.

Dr. Gottman was humble enough to learn from his daughter about how to be a good parent. He was willing to listen to her and speak to her as an intelligent person from a young age. He knew that just because children can’t put their feelings into words, they still have them. They are still perceptive and intelligent. He and his wife teach children how to name their emotions and not be ashamed of them at all. They study and teach about emotional intelligence. It’s a fairly new concept and most adults need to learn more about it so they can teach it to their children.

It’s important for children to feel comfortable because life can be overwhelming. They need to know they’re safe and to have trust. Trust allows learning and teaching to exist.

As the Gottman's teach parents, they challenge them to listen to the child, feel what they are experiencing and help the child articulate the feelings by putting them into words. They also teach parents to understand that everyone has the right to any feeling. It's important to make children know that their feelings are totally acceptable. Another important lesson they teach is to treat the child with respect and dignity.

Discipline paired with emotional intelligence, brought about by emotion coaching, helps kids to “know who they are and want to excel, and also want to connect with other people” says Dr. Gottman.

 

Dr. Gottman also wants parents to understand that at all stages of life, the emotions of those around the child directly affect him or her. When parents know how to handle their emotions they can have a better connection with their child. This is very helpful for his or her cognitive development. Children need to have a secure attachment so they will know that the world is a good place and they'll be ready to do anything. 

Dr Gottman talks about a "sequential order" to emotion coaching. I have come to enjoy sequential order in my life since a talk by Elder Vaiangina Sikahema. The Lord teaches us in sequential order so we can build from one concept to the next. 

Dr. Gottman's 5 steps that parents should take to create an emotional connection are:

1. Notice your emotions as well as your kid's emotions. Notice big and small emotions.

2. Connect with your child. Him him feel understood. Be compassionate. Validate his emotions. Listen with empathy

3. Listen with empathy. Help him verbally label his emotions. Understand feelings and where they come from.

4. Validate. Let him know you understand how he feels. All emotions are acceptable

5. Set limits for behavior. Not all behavior is acceptable. Talk about how the other person might be feeling also. Find solutions- but let him find the solution with your help.

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Do it when you have time. Even if it’s later in the day. Talk about it when you can. 

Kids make friends and connect with people because of what they learn from their parents. From the interaction they get from their parents from birth. Parents need to slow down and not overstimulate their babies. A good parent helps a child be ready to explore the world.

Relationships and emotional connection are the basics children need for lifelong learning. If kids are in schools and homes where they feel cared for, respected and honored, they will be able to do anything. Creativity and learning is very natural for development. But it needs to be done in emotionally sensitive environments. Dignity is important for every human being at every age. Respect is very important for kids. It’s even more important when we’re under stress to give each other respect

Elder Garrit W. Gong spoke about trust in the latest general conference. However, what I found striking was his perhaps inadvertent advice on parenting. We need to trust our children that they are good people and wonderful spirits who have been entrusted to our care. Trust them to come to the right choices.

Trust is important in all relationships. Children need to trust us that we won’t hurt them, and that we are doing our best to keep them safe. Elder Gong says that “trust becomes real when we do hard things with faith. Service and sacrifice increase capacity and refine hearts. Trusting God and each other brings heaven’s blessings.”

Our goal should be to find resolution and peace. We, in our relationships, can change. We shouldn’t condemn our children because that’s looking to the past. We forgive and look to the future. We look for the good in our children.

Elder Gong quoted President J. Reuben Clark who said, “I believe that our Heavenly Father… will give us the maximum reward for our acts, give us all that he can give, and in the reverse, I believe that he will impose upon us the minimum penalty which it is possible for him to impose.”

I feel that this goes along with an article by William J. Doherty, Ph.D., called, “Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect.” This article talks about not accepting disrespect, but pointing it out as unacceptable, verbally correcting the child and moving on. Enforcing consequences when needed, but not dwelling on the bad behavior. Doherty puts respect and relationships first in parenting. One problem with accepting disrespectful behavior is that it breeds resentment and hurts the relationship. The problem with being authoritarian is that it doesn’t let the child express himself or make choices.

If we really want to have a good relationship with our kids then it's important to be respectful to them and get respect back. It's the only way to make it work so that we can be close and not resentful of one another. 

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect. Excellence & Ethics.

Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman Discuss Tools for Parenting with Emotion Coaching. (2012). YouTube. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://youtu.be/z3uPPEtyX_I.

Emotional Health. (2009). YouTube. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://youtu.be/bmsDTT3xgjo.

Gong, G. W. (2021, October). Trust Again. General Conference. Salt Lake City, UT; https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2021/10/51gong?lang=eng.

Khalaf, D. and C. (2021, March 30). Emotion coaching isn't just for children. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-isnt-just-for-children/. 

Sikahema, V. (2021, October). A House of Sequential Order. General Conference. Salt Lake City, UT; https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2021/10/44sikahema?lang=eng.

YouTube. (2020). The 5 steps of Emotion Coaching. An audio guide in English. YouTube. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlrM36_zo6Q.

Showing Love

Children crave love. If they're not getting love, then they cannot develop properly. There are many Latter-day prophets who emphasize the importance of showing love and not using corporal punishment. One such prophet is Brigham Young.

 

Brigham Young observed his children enough to know that they had their own personalities, including disposition and temperament. When we can accept our children for who they are, we will learn to be compassionate and help them overcome their challenges. We can help them learn and truly love them.

Let your children guide you and they will show your their interests, their struggles, and the things they need to practice. Some children need practice with their tempers. Others need to learn the value of work and how to become a hard worker. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all parenting method. 

Some examples of temperament are:

1. Sensory threshold (How much stimulation will get a response? What is too much for the child to process?)

2. Activity level (Are they calm or active? An active child may need a ball to bounce on while doing homework, or more breaks during school.)

3. Intensity (How reactive is the child's response to various things? How much emotion will they express when they're happy, sad, overwhelmed or angry?)

4. Rhythmicity (Can you predict your child's hunger, sleep cycles, and bathroom habits?)

5. Adaptability (How easily will your child handle change and transitions?)

6. Mood (Is your child happy, serious, sad, or grumpy?)

7. Approach/withdrawal (How will your child handle new places, people and situations?)

8. Persistence (Will your child keep trying hard things or give up?)

9. Distractibility (Will your child be easily distracted or able to tune out background noise to concentrate and complete tasks?)

There are things we can do to help each of these types of temperament. 

1. Sensory threshold: If they have trouble processing noise we can look for activities that are quieter. 

2. Activity level: If they are an active child we can put them in a sport that is physically exhausting, like water polo. 

3. Intensity: If they have inappropriate expressions of emotions we can help them to process those emotions in an acceptable way. 

4. Rhythmicity: If we know they will be hungry first thing in the morning we can have some fruit prepared the night before so set up the family for a good morning. 

5. Adaptability: If we know the child will throw a tantrum when it's time to leave a friend's house we can arrive 5-10 minutes early to give a warning and visit with the other parent.

6. Mood: If the child is a naturally grumpy child we can find an outlet to help them process difficult situations so they can accept and move on.

7. Approach/withdrawal: If a new event is coming up, like a dentist appointment, you can read books about and watch videos about the event, to help him feel more comfortable.

8. Persistence: We can praise the child's efforts and not the natural ability. This will encourage a growth mindset.

9. Distractibility: We can help them find a quiet place to do homework or other projects. 

Gordon B. Hinkley spoke out against corporal punishment being used to discipline children. 

The American Psychological Association agrees that there is “lasting harm for children.” It has been found that spanking children causes them to change how the child thinks and feels. It is also very likely that parents can lose their temper and hurt the child more than they intended to, or more than they ever would if they were calm. It is a dangerous behavior to allow imperfect mortals to practice. Studies disprove how many people were brought up, and hopefully this helps them so they don’t continue the tradition with their own children. 

The same prophet also spoke about parenting with love:

There is an article called “Moving from Fear-Based to Love-Based Parenting” by The Ark Group, which talks about how unconditional love is a motivating factor for children as they learn to follow their parents’ examples. Children are more likely to want to listen and learn from a loving parent, when a strong relationship is established, than a scary parent who gives punishments and harsh words. 

Carotta, C. C. (2018). Temperament: What is it and why is it important? boystownhospital.org. Retrieved September 21, 2021, from https://www.boystownhospital.org/knowledge-center/temperament-whis-it-why-is-it-important.

Smith, B. L. (2012, April). The case against spanking. Monitor on Psychology. Retrieved September 21, 2021, from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.

Wilkerson, B. G. (2021, July 22). Moving from Fear-based TO Love-Based Parenting. The ARKGroup. Retrieved September 21, 2021, from https://www.thearkgroup.org/moving-from-fear-based-to-love-based-parenting/.

Parenting Foundations

The type of parenting that resonates with me most strongly is the type that helps children learn from experiences and keep practicing at life. We want them to fail now, while the consequences are minor, rather than fail when so much more is at stake.

Is it better to get in trouble at school for skipping school, or to get fired from a good job for not coming to work consistently? Is it better to get penalized on grades in middle school or in college? We want them to make mistakes now and learn from them so they don’t have to later.

But let's back up to the foundation. Most of all parenting comes from the foundation. Very little parenting needs to come from teaching, and even less comes from discipline.

First and foremost, if we want to be a force for good in our children's lives, is that we need to be a good person, someone who is loving and happy. To be humble and hardworking, and kind. To have a sense of humor and to serve others. To keep working on self and never stop. We need to, as The Arbinger Institute says, “Obtain a heart at peace” (p. 218).

The next level up, a slightly smaller level, is about the relationship with the children's other parent. When parents are in harmony with each other and love each other, it can make everything else in the home run more smoothly and be more loving. It’s also important to have good relationships with all who have influence in our children’s lives. Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, etc., all have influence, and we need to be cooperative and friendly with them. If we’re antagonistic with the important people in our children’s lives, then it’s just going to drive a wedge between parent and child

Next, we come to the relationship between parent and child. When we love our children and want the best for them, when we love spending time with them and have open communication, that is where the opportunity for teaching derives from. People only want to learn from those that they have a connection with. If we are pretending to enjoy spending time with our children, they will sense that and not feel the connection we hope they will have. On the other hand, if we admire and love our children, they will develop a confidence and peace that everyone deserves to have.

When the relationship has been established, then we need to listen to our children and learn from them. If we’re willing to listen to them, they will be eager to listen to us in return. If we’re not willing to listen to them, why would they have any interest in knowing what we have to say? Being humble enough to learn from our children is a great way to teach them humility and help them to learn from us as well.

Finally, after all the proper foundations have been laid, then we can teach, and the child will listen. We can speak and have influence on their lives. We know this is true from observing any healthy relationship. Happy marriages are those where the partners give and are given the same respect and love. Best friends listen and communicate with one another. We can do the same for our children.

When needed, correction can follow. These times need to be rare and spaced far apart. It is the smallest part of the parenting pyramid. Often times, the correction won't be needed because they have such a solid foundation for life and values. Or they already know where they need to improve and just being a support is all that is needed. 

On the rare times when correction is needed, we can still speak with respect and a proper tone of voice. Correction doesn’t need to be mean or loud. Correction has a lot more impact if we behave the same way we always do, with self-control and compassion. There can still be consequences (natural consequences have a lot more meaning and should be used whenever possible).

In conclusion, good parenting has many aspects. There are basic parts of parenting that many people don’t realize are related to parenting. It’s important to become the person we want to be before we expect our children to be the people we want them to be.

The following video is a similar pyramid but simplified and different wording. It can apply to parenting or any type of leadership position.

The Arbinger Institute (2006). Chapter 22. In Anatomy of peace: Resolving the heart of conflict (pp. 207–220). book, BERRETT-KOEHLER.