Parenting Foundations

The type of parenting that resonates with me most strongly is the type that helps children learn from experiences and keep practicing at life. We want them to fail now, while the consequences are minor, rather than fail when so much more is at stake.

Is it better to get in trouble at school for skipping school, or to get fired from a good job for not coming to work consistently? Is it better to get penalized on grades in middle school or in college? We want them to make mistakes now and learn from them so they don’t have to later.

But let's back up to the foundation. Most of all parenting comes from the foundation. Very little parenting needs to come from teaching, and even less comes from discipline.

First and foremost, if we want to be a force for good in our children's lives, is that we need to be a good person, someone who is loving and happy. To be humble and hardworking, and kind. To have a sense of humor and to serve others. To keep working on self and never stop. We need to, as The Arbinger Institute says, “Obtain a heart at peace” (p. 218).

The next level up, a slightly smaller level, is about the relationship with the children's other parent. When parents are in harmony with each other and love each other, it can make everything else in the home run more smoothly and be more loving. It’s also important to have good relationships with all who have influence in our children’s lives. Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, etc., all have influence, and we need to be cooperative and friendly with them. If we’re antagonistic with the important people in our children’s lives, then it’s just going to drive a wedge between parent and child

Next, we come to the relationship between parent and child. When we love our children and want the best for them, when we love spending time with them and have open communication, that is where the opportunity for teaching derives from. People only want to learn from those that they have a connection with. If we are pretending to enjoy spending time with our children, they will sense that and not feel the connection we hope they will have. On the other hand, if we admire and love our children, they will develop a confidence and peace that everyone deserves to have.

When the relationship has been established, then we need to listen to our children and learn from them. If we’re willing to listen to them, they will be eager to listen to us in return. If we’re not willing to listen to them, why would they have any interest in knowing what we have to say? Being humble enough to learn from our children is a great way to teach them humility and help them to learn from us as well.

Finally, after all the proper foundations have been laid, then we can teach, and the child will listen. We can speak and have influence on their lives. We know this is true from observing any healthy relationship. Happy marriages are those where the partners give and are given the same respect and love. Best friends listen and communicate with one another. We can do the same for our children.

When needed, correction can follow. These times need to be rare and spaced far apart. It is the smallest part of the parenting pyramid. Often times, the correction won't be needed because they have such a solid foundation for life and values. Or they already know where they need to improve and just being a support is all that is needed. 

On the rare times when correction is needed, we can still speak with respect and a proper tone of voice. Correction doesn’t need to be mean or loud. Correction has a lot more impact if we behave the same way we always do, with self-control and compassion. There can still be consequences (natural consequences have a lot more meaning and should be used whenever possible).

In conclusion, good parenting has many aspects. There are basic parts of parenting that many people don’t realize are related to parenting. It’s important to become the person we want to be before we expect our children to be the people we want them to be.

The following video is a similar pyramid but simplified and different wording. It can apply to parenting or any type of leadership position.

The Arbinger Institute (2006). Chapter 22. In Anatomy of peace: Resolving the heart of conflict (pp. 207–220). book, BERRETT-KOEHLER.