Children crave love. If they're not getting love, then they cannot develop properly. There are many Latter-day prophets who emphasize the importance of showing love and not using corporal punishment. One such prophet is Brigham Young.
Brigham Young observed his children enough to know that they had their own personalities, including disposition and temperament. When we can accept our children for who they are, we will learn to be compassionate and help them overcome their challenges. We can help them learn and truly love them.
Let your children guide you and they will show your their interests, their struggles, and the things they need to practice. Some children need practice with their tempers. Others need to learn the value of work and how to become a hard worker. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all parenting method.
Some examples of temperament are:
1. Sensory threshold (How much stimulation will get a response? What is too much for the child to process?)
2. Activity level (Are they calm or active? An active child may need a ball to bounce on while doing homework, or more breaks during school.)
3. Intensity (How reactive is the child's response to various things? How much emotion will they express when they're happy, sad, overwhelmed or angry?)
4. Rhythmicity (Can you predict your child's hunger, sleep cycles, and bathroom habits?)
5. Adaptability (How easily will your child handle change and transitions?)
6. Mood (Is your child happy, serious, sad, or grumpy?)
7. Approach/withdrawal (How will your child handle new places, people and situations?)
8. Persistence (Will your child keep trying hard things or give up?)
9. Distractibility (Will your child be easily distracted or able to tune out background noise to concentrate and complete tasks?)
There are things we can do to help each of these types of temperament.
1. Sensory threshold: If they have trouble processing noise we can look for activities that are quieter.
2. Activity level: If they are an active child we can put them in a sport that is physically exhausting, like water polo.
3. Intensity: If they have inappropriate expressions of emotions we can help them to process those emotions in an acceptable way.
4. Rhythmicity: If we know they will be hungry first thing in the morning we can have some fruit prepared the night before so set up the family for a good morning.
5. Adaptability: If we know the child will throw a tantrum when it's time to leave a friend's house we can arrive 5-10 minutes early to give a warning and visit with the other parent.
6. Mood: If the child is a naturally grumpy child we can find an outlet to help them process difficult situations so they can accept and move on.
7. Approach/withdrawal: If a new event is coming up, like a dentist appointment, you can read books about and watch videos about the event, to help him feel more comfortable.
8. Persistence: We can praise the child's efforts and not the natural ability. This will encourage a growth mindset.
9. Distractibility: We can help them find a quiet place to do homework or other projects.
Gordon B. Hinkley spoke out against corporal punishment being used to discipline children.
The
American Psychological Association agrees that there is “lasting harm for
children.” It has been found that spanking children causes them to change how
the child thinks and feels. It is also very likely that parents can lose their
temper and hurt the child more than they intended to, or more than they ever would if they were calm. It is a dangerous behavior to allow imperfect mortals
to practice. Studies disprove how many
people were brought up, and hopefully this helps them so they don’t continue the tradition with their own
children.
The same prophet also spoke about parenting with love:
There is an article called “Moving from Fear-Based to Love-Based Parenting” by The Ark Group, which talks about how
unconditional love is a motivating factor for children as they learn to follow
their parents’ examples. Children are more likely to want to listen and learn
from a loving parent, when a strong relationship is established, than a scary
parent who gives punishments and harsh words.
Carotta, C. C. (2018). Temperament:
What is it and why is it important? boystownhospital.org. Retrieved
September 21, 2021, from
https://www.boystownhospital.org/knowledge-center/temperament-whis-it-why-is-it-important.
The type of parenting that
resonates with me most strongly is the type that helps children learn from
experiences and keep practicing at life. We want them to fail now, while the
consequences are minor, rather than fail when so much more is at stake.
Is it better to get in trouble at
school for skipping school, or to get fired from a good job for not coming to work
consistently? Is it better to get penalized on grades in middle school or in
college? We want them to make mistakes now and learn from them so they don’t
have to later.
But let's back up to the
foundation. Most of all parenting comes from the foundation. Very little
parenting needs to come from teaching, and even less comes from discipline.
First and foremost, if we want
to be a force for good in our children's lives, is that we need to be a good
person, someone who is loving and happy. To be humble and hardworking, and
kind. To have a sense of humor and to serve others. To keep working on self and
never stop. We need to, as The Arbinger Institute says, “Obtain a heart at
peace” (p. 218).
The next level up, a slightly
smaller level, is about the relationship with the children's other parent. When
parents are in harmony with each other and love each other, it can make
everything else in the home run more smoothly and be more loving. It’s
also important to have good relationships with all who have influence in our
children’s lives. Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, etc., all have
influence, and we need to be cooperative and friendly with them. If we’re antagonistic
with the important people in our children’s lives, then it’s just going to
drive a wedge between parent and child
Next, we come to the
relationship between parent and child. When we love our children and want the
best for them, when we love spending time with them and have open
communication, that is where the opportunity for teaching derives from. People
only want to learn from those that they have a connection with. If we are
pretending to enjoy spending time with our children, they will sense that and
not feel the connection we hope they will have. On the other hand, if we admire
and love our children, they will develop a confidence and peace that everyone
deserves to have.
When the relationship has been
established, then we need to listen to our children and learn from them. If we’re
willing to listen to them, they will be eager to listen to us in return. If we’re
not willing to listen to them, why would they have any interest in knowing what
we have to say? Being humble enough to learn from our children is a great way
to teach them humility and help them to learn from us as well.
Finally, after all the proper
foundations have been laid, then we can teach, and the child will listen. We
can speak and have influence on their lives. We know this is true from
observing any healthy relationship. Happy marriages are those where the partners
give and are given the same respect and love. Best friends listen and
communicate with one another. We can do the same for our children.
When needed, correction can
follow. These times need to be rare and spaced far apart. It is the smallest
part of the parenting pyramid. Often times, the correction won't be needed
because they have such a solid foundation for life and values. Or they already
know where they need to improve and just being a support is all that is
needed.
On the rare times when correction
is needed, we can still speak with respect and a proper tone of voice. Correction
doesn’t need to be mean or loud. Correction has a lot more impact if we behave
the same way we always do, with self-control and compassion. There can still be
consequences (natural consequences have a lot more meaning and should be used
whenever possible).
In conclusion, good parenting has
many aspects. There are basic parts of parenting that many people don’t realize
are related to parenting. It’s important to become the person we want to be
before we expect our children to be the people we want them to be.
The following video is a similar pyramid but simplified and different wording. It can apply to parenting or any type of leadership position.
The Arbinger
Institute (2006). Chapter 22. In Anatomy of peace: Resolving the heart
of conflict (pp. 207–220). book, BERRETT-KOEHLER.
